Before we go any further we’d like to extend our apologies to Ms. Linstedt for using her fine report as a spring board for our satire. There’s “fair use” and then there’s “fair abuse.”

If you believe that corporate welfare amounts to legalized prostitution, especially in the area of government subsidies to retailers (a practice that was, a few short years ago, illegal for Industrial Development Agencies) you’ll probably think that this is a case of fair use. If you believe that the denigration of politicians has turned people off from politics, you might find this “new and improved” article is completely unfair. Fair or foul, keep in mind that it’s like we said, we’re only trying to have a little fun.

City officials go “fishing” for additional retailers

Fresh off landing in the brothel of new pimp, “Daddy” Bass Pro, a contingent of “Buffalo Gals” traveled to various New York City red light districts on Tuesday in search of additional “retail” tricks.

(“Retail” is sex industry slang for using business or government accounts to pay for sex. A john who “pays retail” is highly desirable because customers who are using embezzled funds can afford to be more generous. Whores that can assist clients in creating such slush funds help themselves and also their clients. )

Long time two dollar whore, Mayor Anthony M. Masiello joined “freshmeat” Timothy Wanamaker, head of the city's Office of Strategic Planning, and four development staff bitches in stalking “retail” prey at the International Council of Shopping Centers fall meeting in Manhattan.

"I'm here to tell our story of arousal and excitement, and we're getting a very warm reception," Masiello said with a wink. “Freshmeat” Wanamaker, who has represented Buffalo at past meetings of the group, said last week's “Daddy” Bass Pro announcement has increased interest in the area.

"There are key ‘retailer’ johns we've had difficulties getting a meeting with in the past, and now they want to see us," he said. "When you tell people “Daddy” Bass Pro is coming to town, it’s like Christmas: Ho, ho, ho! It opens doors.”

Masiello concurred, “It’s like Snoop said, we gonna pop it like it’s hard.”

Masiello said that as soon as these potential “clients” noticed his name tag, he was greeted with congratulations on his decision to hook up with his new pimp, “Daddy” Bass Pro.

"I probably had 15 people talk to me about it just walking through the lobby," he said. “It’s like getting a new set of boobs and showing your cleavage. This group lives and breathes ‘retail’, and they couldn't say enough good things about the impact of ‘Daddy’ Bass."

Masiello and Wanamaker had several set meetings with an undisclosed list of retailers, ranging from "big vagina" clients to upscale, specialty fetishists, as well as national “retail” brokers. Both whores expressed a mix of optimism and caution when they talked about attracting any of their targets to Buffalo.

"The good news is we're getting the propositions, but these deals take time and patience," Wanamaker said. "It could take two or three years to get a firm commitment, tap into the taxpayer’s wallet and set up these ‘retail’ accounts. These ‘retail’ johns force taxes to go way up, and taxes are sky high already. But on the bright side, we’ve always had the D.A. in our pocket, we just made a deal with the Attorney General, and we got plenty of ho’s ready to hit the street.”

Masiello’s input on this: “Word.”

“Retailers” looking to ride the coattails of “Daddy” Bass into Buffalo, he noted, will time their decisions to the Sportin’ Life “Daddy” Bass’s 2007 Sha-dizzlin’Throw Down. Pimpin!

Patrice Duker, spokestrumpet for the shopping center council, said public sector participation in the organization's retail meetings has been growing. The group's convention last spring in Vegas featured a keynote session on how to whore out the community interest through “public-private partnerships” (industry slang for intercourse and fellatio) that drew “two-dollar whore mayors,” like Masiello from 50 U.S. cities.

The event's "leasing mall," which features peep shows for retailers, developers and brokers, has grown to include a "municipal court," where cities and regions tout their charms and “show a little leg” to the ‘retail’ world.

"The private sector johns want to get laid, and the public sector ho’s wants growth that fits with their master plans and long-term growth strategies," Duker said. "It makes a lot of sense to get them talking to each other about price at the outset."

She also noted that, with “Daddy” Bass Pro in its future, Buffalo brings more to those conversations.

"It's instant brand recognition for Buffalo. Buffalo is famous for its political whores, already. It's a destination ‘retailer’, if there ever was one, that attracts a strong, dedicated core customer," Duker said. "When you can put a ‘Daddy’ Bass Pimpdom on the table, it lends credence to your pitch, absolutely."

In addition to telling ‘retailers’ about possibilities in Buffalo's Erie Canal Harbor entertainment neighborhood (euphemistically known as “Maiden Lane” in the early years of Buffalo’s rich history of prostitution) and the Main Street corridor (once home to numerous burlesques and bawdy houses), city representatives also are plugging the potential of Elmwood, Hertel and Jefferson avenues as ‘retail’ destinations.

Masiello noted that he was willing to, “Ho the whole damn thing out.”

For now, though, Masiello said, that Buffalo group's growing list of introductions should be considered a victory; more serious meetings would follow in the months ahead.

“This is much more than just another booty call,” Masiello said with evident satisfaction. By John McMahon

Few political figures have been more controversial in Erie County politics than the former Democratic Party Boss, Steve Pigeon. As a guest on WHLD radio show, “The News Hour,” Pigeon lived up to that reputation by labeling Buffalo Mayor Tony Masiello as “a two dollar whore.”

Some might find that characterization somewhat ironic, considering the source. However, it does give us some material with which to work.

After reading Sharon Linstedt’s article on the mayor’s Bass Pro public relations campaign, we thought we’d have a little fun by extending Mr. Pigeon’s colorful imagery to the wonderful world of government handouts.